“Birthdays,” noted one anonymous quipster, “are like uncomfortable under-shorts. They creep up on you.”

Inelegant, yet apt. But look on the bright side: when else do you get a day’s worth (or a week’s worth, or a month’s worth, depending on how effectively you milk it), of effusive good wishes — just for being you? If you’re really lucky, there may even be a party involved. Or presents. Or cake. Or (here’s the winning trifecta) all three!

For early cave-dwellers, a birthday was just another day. With no formal means of denoting the passage of time, one day-and-night cycle blended into another. Then, someone sat up and took notice. The moon cycles were repeating. So were the seasons. Using those benchmarks, a rudimentary “calendar” came about, and notable events (such as birthdays) could be observed on an annual schedule.
Before the dawn of Christianity, friends and family gathered annually to chase away evil spirits, supposedly chomping at the bit to make off with the birthday boy or girl. The onslaught of group merriment evidently sent the forces of darkness packing.

The earliest full-scale birthday celebrations were reserved for royalty, the only ones then flush enough to throw a lavish party. Paper crowns, a time-tested means of recognizing the honoree at any 1950s or ‘60s kiddie party, owe their presence to this early brush with nobility.

As evidenced by birthday traditions from around the globe, celebrations often involve more than just cake and candles:
– Hate those birthday spankings? Consider yourself fortunate. In Colonial days, “one to grow on” was accompanied by “one to live on, one to eat on, one to be happy on, and one to get married on!”
– It could be worse: in Argentina, it’s a pull on the earlobe, one for each year.
– The Irish favor the “birthday bump”: the birthday lad or lassie is held upside down, head bumped (gently, now!) on the floor. One bump for each birthday–and, of course, one more for good luck!
– In Hong Kong, extra-long noodles are a special birthday treat: the longer the noodles, the longer the life.
– Don’t like cake? In Russia, it’s a “birthday pie,” with a greeting incised in the crust.

Here’s a birthday extra: English bakers often hide a small coin inside the birthday cake batter; find it, and good fortune is yours (English cake-eaters, obviously, chew very carefully).