Thanksgiving dinner at my house?
Why, sure. Say, could you bring the rolls? And the cranberries? And the vegetables and mashed potatoes? Oh, and the turkey and stuffing. And a pumpkin pie would be nice.
Hey, come back here!

Once again, “dinner at DBJ’s” is doomed. The thing is, I can’t cook. Not a lick. I would if I could, but I can’t.

Not that I haven’t tried…but food entering our kitchen always seems to suffer a mysterious fate. It spoils. It melts. Sometimes it even bursts into unexpected flames.

You’ve heard of folks who “can’t boil water?” That’s me. I tried it once and ended up scorching the saucepan.

That’s why I’m always a bit jealous of people who can cook, especially when holidays like Thanksgiving roll around. I drown my sorrows paging through vintage homemaking magazines, and there they are: folks just like me, bustling about, putting up their festive holiday décor, and effortlessly preparing meals of mouthwatering magnificence.

The décor items I can handle. The meals? Well…
Then one day at a rummage sale, I ran across two resources guaranteed to turn the (kitchen) tables in my favor: the 1959 book, “Entertaining With Betty,” and, from 1971, “Betty’s Recipe Card Library.”

The “Betty” in question? Why, Betty Crocker, of course! If Betty couldn’t transform me into Chef Boy-Are-DBJ, then nobody could!

So, I bought them.

In “Entertaining,” Betty gets things off to a cheery start: “Here is a book about hospitality, and how it can be easy and fun.” Sounds encouraging. First, Betty answers a few pesky pre-party-planning inquiries: Question: “Is it all right to invite guests of different political persuasions?” Answer: “It is never amiss to say ‘Joe is working hard on the election – and not for your candidate. But forgive him that, and you’ll enjoy him.’”

Soon though, she gets down to the real meat-and-potatoes of the thing: those recipes! These are divided into numerous helpful categories: “Buffet Dinners”; “House Parties”; “Come By For Dessert and Coffee,” and “Midnight Suppers” (not to be confused with “Stag Parties,” the category that follows it). The recipes seemed straightforward enough, so I decided to give one that Betty lists under “Emergency Meals” a try: “Flaming Chicken.” Ingredients included Bing cherries, Mandarin oranges, butter, and black pepper. Oh, and chicken. Betty’s final instruction: “Brush chicken with 2 tsp. lemon extract, and touch burning match to it.” I did. My “Flaming Chicken” went up in flames.